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:: A lil quickie :: [July 25 2020]

:: Happiness :: [April 19 2012] They say when you finally get what you yearn for a long time, you'll tend t be happy and appreciative of it. So why am I so emotionless about it? I ask myself from time t time- Why is it like this? Why is it that when we(he) decided it's time t part, I would go all crazy and try my hardest t keep him around? And when I finally got him round my finger, I find that I don't actually need this- I don't necessarily find the need t call him, text him, talk t him, meet him, et cetera. What is this some kind of game that I'm playing w just myself? Is it because of the pride and the ego I have in me and my constant desire t feed them, no matter what the stakes are? When we had t say goodbye, I spoke a lot about love t him... How I was v sure he left me w my first broken heart. But now that he's caved in, I just had t ask myself. Is this love, or is it just an obsession? An obsession of him is v unlikely. But perhaps, an obsession I have t always get what I want, t always win, t never face rejection but reject. Is this just another case of a defense mechanism that I've unknowingly nurtured in me t become this strong? We are not happy. Together. Maybe, this relationship is just too tedious t keep up w. Maybe it's just too broken t be fixed or repaired that it's left me battered and exhausted. Perhaps, I just don't have the energy left t do this anymore w him. And the sad truth is, I know he's just as exhausted as I am. I know it's hurting him just as much as it hurts me being in this pretentious relationship, constantly phsyc-ing ourselves that it'll be better this time- and for a long time. But we both know at the back of our heads that we're just lying t ourselves and that we should just let this go and move on. But what are we doing? Why are we still here? Am I that insecure of myself that I have t succumb t boosting my ego and pride this way?

[April 02 2012] I've never loved anyone as much as I had w you. I've never wore my heart on my sleeve for anyone like I had for you. I've never cared nor put in that much effort for anyone like I did for you. I never had my heart broken but it broke because of you. And I keep telling myself that if I ever see you again... Or if we ever talk, I'll use that time that I have t tell you how cruel you've been, how bad you've mistreated me and what kind of hell you put me through when you took my heart and deliberately hurl it away. But today, you leave me a message on Facebook the same way you did 9 months ago. You asked if I was okay like as if nothing happened, like as if we are cool. And as much as I love you... As much as you will always have a special place in my heart... No, we are not cool and no, I won't allow you t come back into my life because you are right. I am too good for you and you don't deserve even an inch of me.

:: Home is wherever I'm w you :: [December 30 2011] Home is where the heart is. I never understood the credibility of that phrase but as I mature slowly into adulthood where priorities change, I am v lucky t know that I have now two homes where my heart belongs t two sets of people I love dearly- My family in Singapore and my future family w the man that I never thought I'd adore this much(insyaAllah) in USA. As the year looms itself towards yet another end, I'm taking this time t wrap up my 2011. This has been one of my greatest year in this lifetime but not because I was given an opportunity t travel. This year is one of my best years because this year taught me things I thought I already knew. This year has made me want t be a better person. Thanks to Sebastian, I've learnt how t love and hurt again. Thanks to my friends, Emma, Claire, Anna, Lola, Leha and especially Lyna, I learnt the true meaning of friendship and forgiveness. Thanks t my family, I now comprehend selfless love and understanding deeper. Thanks t Donny, I practiced self-respect and self-love, connected w my inner strength but still human enough t be compassionate and appreciate what I have more now, i.e, my family and most importantly, my religion. I'm glad. May everything take a better change for 2012. Happy new year, all.

:: Magical :: [December 12 2011] There's something about December that makes my stomach flutter with anxiety and my heart skips many beats. The possible contributing fact would definitely be the winter season. I've always associated winter to the season of magic where miracles happen. As for me personally, it's a proven fact. Back while I was in Singapore, the closest t winter I experienced is the knitwear apparels, (suede)coats, thick, padded and wool jackets at Fox, Pull n Bear, Bershka, Mango, ZARA and what-have-yous to accommodate to the rainy weather. Christmas songs will be aired almost everywhere you go and major shopping strips decorated with humongous plastic Christmas trees, heavily donned with Christmas ornaments and lights. They were beautiful, nonetheless and despite just the rainy days t substitute for the cold air and snow, I was still able t find the magic in every December. This year, I am honored to have the opportunity to deal with the winter season full blast. Soon as the winter air barged in, so do the apparels into my new wardrobe. It was time to put away my summer clothes and update my hangers. For once, I was able to pick out the thickest, most padded jacket and the highest pair of boots with no worries of people questioning my sanity purchasing those clothes. Once the clothes were bought, the holiday spirit came stronger than ever. Christmas decorations were phenomenal. I can't describe the enthusiastic feeling I had when we were decorating the house and the front yard. I looked around and saw the neighbors doing the same and by the end of the night, the stretch of my neighborhood looked too pretty. I felt a certain kind of euphoria, it almost brought tears to my eyes. The snow hasn't began t fall and I'm very eager to meet it. I've already a set of to-do list once it arrived- Snowman making, snowball fight, snow angels and everything you can think of! Also, I'm quite prepared for the snow shoveling and all things 'bad' about snow that comes w it! Despite suffering my first lightweight case of frostbites while out shopping for Christmas presents just recently, it's yet t dampen my winter spirits. Winter has always been magical for me. This year alone, not only am I given the experience of a true Christmas celebration, I've recently got a temp job as an assistant editor at Illinois Times. I temp for my editor in the Arts/Culture section. So far now, I've managed to write a short collateral for my editor when she was overwhelmed with the Christmas events happening around Chicago but honestly, I'm not so sure about more writing gigs to come. Hopefully, I'll be given more opportunities too as she's quite pleased with the short article I submitted. Things have been pretty good for me. I'm financially stable, domestically well and improving myself in anyway to be a better person for myself. I miss my family so dearly and I know they do too. It's been a while since I call them for its been so busy for me but quite frankly, it's just me trying to avoid the 'when are you coming home' question my mom and dad throws at me. The last I spoke to them, mom was finally feeling better from the lung inflammation she suffered for about a good two weeks. She said she projected I'll come home after Christmas, which I hope I will too but then, there's the temp that I have now which makes it a little complicated. I like America but my heart belongs to home. I know I'll come back one day. But for now, I appreciate whatever I have here. Funny. Just 6 months ago, I was struggling for a big break. Now that I have it, I want to go back to the black hole I once was from. Oh well, that's just human nature. Now, now, winter. Surprise me more!!!!

:: Thousand Island :: [November 20 2011] The winter storms are slowly making their entrance and for a while now, I've been complaining about the cold weather. It got too bad t a point I didn't leave the apartment for two weeks. I'd make him make runs t the grocery, t the laundromat, t get me food and so on. I dread going out now because of the cold wind and if there's a need t, which is quite rare, I'd ran out of the apartment and straight into the car. So I guess my man must've got sick of it because he returned home one night and showed me a set of printed papers. Boarding passes and round trip flight documents for Montego Bay, Jamaica. It made sense, I guess. It's so hot and sunny in Jamaica and it's like a break away from the cold for a week. I couldn't be more delighted than that. We left out of Washington DC since he had t sign some work related stuff in Maryland and for three days now, I've rid all my winter clothes and working on my tan. The resort is astounding. The place is beautiful. It's a tough match between San Jose, Cancun and this. The beach here is just as lovely too. I wish I've my camera w me but I don't want t sound like a gold-digging SPG if I ask him t get me one after the robbery. Knowing him, I know he's getting me one or possibly already have it but just waiting for the right time t give it t me but in the meantime, I've t rely on my picture memory, which is completely fine. This place is too beautiful t be forgotten. Besides, I don't want t look like as if I'm boasting when I upload those pictures. And if anything, I really don't have t prove my discoveries t anyone. People say I've been really enjoying life- Traveled t USA and practically all the states, spent my birthday in San Jose, came back for a quick run t Montreal, got a quick break again in Cancun and then now, Montego Bay and Kingston. I believe I have but there's so much than meets the eye. Now if only they knew what I've missed out, what I've seen, what I've experienced and how I've managed, they'll be taking it all back. They keep saying that traveling opens your eyes and heart t something you'll never expect and there's always something new out of it. Always. Those who hasn't traveled believe that. But you have t do it t really embrace it, good and/or bad. I have. And my lessons are surreal and my appreciation for things and people are unimaginable now. I'm honored t be given this opportunity.

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